Did you know that when our organization first formed, we were completely volunteer run? Pretty cool, right? Here’s the short story: in 1974, a group of women formed a collective to both help those experiencing violence transition to safety and to educate our community about the prevalence of domestic violence, to give voice to those whose voices had been silenced by the people who were harming them and by a society that did not recognize the harm being done.
What’s more, many of these women had experienced gender-based violence and other forms of oppression themselves. Although today Steps to End Domestic Violence is largely made up of paid staff, honoring our grassroots is so important to us - and one way we do that is by bringing volunteers in to answer our 24/7 hotline.
August marks one year that our beloved volunteer, Cathy Uselton, has been volunteering on our hotline. We are so grateful for her advocacy, and we want you to get to know her, too. We talked with Cathy to pick her brain about what brought her to hotline work and what’s inspired her to stick around.
Cathy Uselton, hotline volunteer extraordinaire
Here is Cathy in a nutshell: “I’m a mom to two intelligent, perceptive, talented, progressive, kind and thoughtful adult daughters. I’m a career woman, working full time for a major retailer in their e-commerce division. I’m also a pet momma to a ginger cat, Rufus (named after Rufus Wainwright) and a German Shepherd, Thunder the Velcro Dog! I love live music. I can’t get enough!”
Another thing Cathy really wants to share with you is that she is a survivor of domestic violence herself, and that’s the driving force behind her desire to volunteer on the hotline. “I’m not from here originally; domestic violence was the great catalyst that forced my daughters and I to leave our original home and come to New England fifteen years ago.”
Cathy had to leave almost everything behind, save for some bare necessities. “We came here to Vermont to rebuild our lives from scratch. The unseen possession that we also carried with us to Vermont was the emotional damage that we had all sustained from experiencing domestic violence. That experience with domestic violence would continue to haunt us for years.”
She was absolutely moved by the outpouring of assistance, support, generosity, and kindness when her family arrived here — a “healing force” she called the network of support. When her family arrived, they didn’t know anyone here, but that changed pretty quickly.
Two acts of kindness came to mind for her: a counselor at her daughter’s school gave her a $200 gift card for winter clothing, and a local woman delivered a delicious homemade lasagna to her doorstep, which meant the world to Cathy, a single parent working full time.
Reflecting on the support she received after fleeing her abusive relationship, Cathy thought, “Now it’s my turn to try to give back. I need to give back. Volunteering for a domestic violence agency made sense to me, having gone through it and come out the other side of it.”
In addition to the desire to give back, Cathy also says the camaraderie at Steps has kept her here. “You always feel connected. I’m not alone— I’m part of a team and we’re all in this together.”
During a recent call with another Steps advocate, Cathy recalls being assured, “you handled that exactly the way you needed to, my friend.”
She shares what this comment meant to her: ”friend. I was blown away when she used that word. Almost made me cry! Because of what I went through in my own domestic violence situation, I lost the ability to cry years ago. How this one word got me choked up to the point where I was fighting back tears when I haven’t cried in many years shows the depth of its emotional impact. We’re friends and comrades together in this mission of helping others navigate through domestic abuse and violence.”
In the spirit of not being alone: Cathy is passionate about validating the complex and difficult experiences of abuse. Why? She says it’s because callers often believe what they are feeling is invalid. “I tell them: ‘This isn’t your imagination. This feeling that you have – that this isn’t right or fair –that you’re not being treated well? It’s real and you can trust yourself.’”
Cathy wants our readers to know this: “Domestic abuse isn’t just a white, cisgender, heterosexual problem. It impacts people of all races, all religions, all gender identities, and abuse is isolating. Many times, abusers isolate their victims from anyone who might be able to provide them with support. Abusers also mentally condition their partners to not reach out to others. If you know someone experiencing violence, you can let them know that they’re not alone.”
As someone who has experienced abuse and someone who hears others’ stories of abuse, Cathy wants to bring your attention to some of the complexities that keep people in their abusive relationships. “Many times, people view domestic abuse in simplistic terms. People think, ‘if they’d just leave, it would solve the problem!’ I can tell you from my personal experience; it’s not that simple.”
There are so many reasons why someone may not leave, but she names a few. “Abusers can cause a survivor to question their perception of reality by minimizing or excusing their abuse, by questioning the emotional stability of the survivor, or by creating an unhealthy emotional dependence. You come to question all aspects of your perception of reality.” And something that makes it even more challenging for a survivor to feel confident in their sense of reality? Oftentimes, family and friends don’t see the violent side of their loved one’s partner, so they may not believe the abuse is even happening.
Cathy also speaks to a number of other barriers to leaving: financial abuse, court involvement, and finding employment. Speaking to her own experience, she says that her partner knew all of her financial transactions since they shared an account. Once she made the decision to leave, she had to do some serious and discreet financial planning. “I took the extra amount in take-home pay and added a new personal bank account to my direct deposit, funneling the extra to that account while leaving the regularly deposited amount to go into our joint account.”
She says sometimes survivors need to remain within proximity of their abuser because of a direct court order. Child Protective Services mandated that Cathy remain in the same county as her abusive partner, and her partner used this to keep her family under constant surveillance. “We couldn’t move away from him without breaking the law.”
But even after the divorce was final and Cathy was granted full custody of her daughters, there was one more thing holding her back from financial independence: it took nearly two years after her divorce to find a job to support her children. And although it wasn’t the case for her, Cathy says it is not unusual for an abuser to forbid their partner from working outside of the home or to sabotage their attempts at working in a sustaining job.
We asked Cathy to talk a little bit about what she thinks it will take to end domestic violence. “I think the best way to work toward it is to provide people experiencing violence and their families – especially the children– with the support networks they need to break the generational cycle of abuse.”
“In our case, it took the entire state of Vermont to provide the support and resources my two daughters needed to heal from the aftermath of domestic abuse.The wonderful news is that it worked! Both of my adult daughters experienced significant emotional healing as a result of that support, and have grown into stable, independent, self-sufficient adults. One daughter recently obtained her bachelor’s degree in musical performance, magna cum laude. She’s also been accepted into a master’s program to continue her music education. My other daughter is working full-time in retail as a manager and she also enjoys providing artwork to a gaming website. “
Her thought is this: “if survivors and their families are adequately supported by services within the community, it can greatly reduce – or eliminate – any dependence they may still have on their abusers. It gives the children hope that there can be a wonderful life beyond the abuse.”
So, what would Cathy tell someone interested in volunteering on our hotline? “It can be difficult. It can be heartbreaking. That said, it’s the most gratifying volunteer opportunity that you’ll ever fall in love with. You’ll never feel like you’re alone in it. When a caller tells you, ‘thank you so much! You’ve helped me’— there’s just no better feeling in the world like being there for someone else in their time of need.
Although we have put volunteer recruitment on hold due to COVID-19, we would love to hear from you if you are interested in learning about forthcoming volunteer opportunities! Please reach out to Bessie McManus, Development and Volunteer Coordinator, at bessiem@stepsvt.org for more information.