It’s been a long cold winter for everyone, and I think it’s safe to say that we’re all struggling with a little cabin fever. Finally, the sun is shining, birds are singing, temperatures are rising and Covid 19 restrictions are beginning to lift in Vermont. According to the newly released phased reopening plan, by July 4th it should be back to business as usual, and boy does it feel good to be outside. Nature is springing into life, and just like migratory birds in breeding season, people are eager to come together, even flocking to the beaches in April, despite Governor Scott’s social distancing and mask wearing state mandates. Not cool, but we get it. People are ready to get out and socialize, especially after more than a year of relative isolation.
Dating apps usage has skyrocketed in 2020-2021 according to Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Tinder, Zoosk, eharmony, POF and Match. Rather than approach or engage with a stranger in real life, most people these days (especially gen Z and younger millennials) are more comfortable meeting online. Even before Covid-19 regulations closed down public spaces and prevented people from meeting in person, more people were choosing to use dating apps, but the pandemic has pushed new people into the online dating pool that might otherwise have avoided it.
So what are some ways we can ease back into safe, in-person fun with friends, online love interests or other new people? Some of our very own local Vermonters, Education and Prevention Coordinator Marla Goldstein and Legal Advocate Brenna Bedard, came up with some fun date ideas plus some helpful safety tips and potential red flags to consider when meeting someone new (or reflecting on your current relationship).
STEPS TOP PICKS FOR SAFE DATES IN VERMONT SPRING 2021
First things first, let's talk about red flags.
Sometimes, when we’re in our feelings or getting to know someone new, it’s easier to overlook signals that something might be off.
Red flags can be really sneaky, so as a good place to start (or look back to), let’s play a little red light, green light. Whether you’re matching with someone on a dating app, getting dm’d by a friend of a friend, texting with your ex, or getting to know someone new in your neighborhood, here are some behaviors to watch out for early on.
Inconsistency: This might look like off balance initiating, one person always starting the conversation, or suggesting meeting up. Irregular lapses in communication with little to no explanation might be a red light
Considerate: This looks like consistent communication, an even exchange of dialogue and being courteous, direct, honest, and open in conversations. Green light
Avoidance: This can look like short incomplete answers to questions, abruptly changing the subject, often being unreachable or very slow to respond. Red light
Self Disclosure: This can look like someone sharing information about themselves without having to be asked, and speaking openly about plans, thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, past, present and future (without oversharing) Green light
Love Bombing: This can look like constant compliments, extravagance, gifts, overly affectionate adoration, or obsession. Red light
Respectful: Many of us have been told that we should expect respect in our relationships, but do we know what that really means? It can look like someone who is kind and thoughtful. They should be nice to you, your friends, your family, their friends, their family and service people. How do they talk about their ex? Respectfully. Green light
Codependent: This might look like anxious attachment, clinginess, incessant texting or calling, liking and commenting on all your photos, addictive behavior, or poor self esteem. Red light
Controlling: This might look like always wanting to drive, always making the plans, always calling the shots, or always wanting to have the last word. Red light
Interested: Some people, even though they spend time together, don’t pay attention to each other. Do they take an interest in you and your day? Do they ask about your life and your hobbies and want to know how you think and feel? Yes! Green light
Gas Lighting: A term coined from a British play now commonly used in psychology which means to manipulate a person by making them question their memories, and the events occurring around them. Sometimes it starts with little lies we overlook, like inconsistencies in stories, exaggerations or lots of forgetting, ignoring and denying.
Red light
Consensual: This can look like checking in to make sure you’re on the same page, seeking clear, equal and mutual understanding, asking what YOU want or coming to agreements and making decisions together. Green light
So let’s say it’s go time. The vibes are good and you want to meet up.
Here are some ways to play it safe:
MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE
When you’re meeting someone for the first time, or still getting to know someone, it’s best to meet on neutral ground. Not your place or their place, or anywhere too private. Don’t give out your home address right away.
HAVE AN EXIT PLAN
Decide ahead of time when and how you’re leaving. It’s ok to change your plan, but it’s important to have one.
SPLIT THE BILL
We all have different preferences when it comes to who pays. It’s nice to have someone pick up the bill,and insist on paying, but in the beginning especially, it’s good to establish independence and equality. No one should feel like they ‘owe’ the other anything.
ASK QUESTIONS
Take some time to really get to know your date. Ask them about what kind of relationship they’re looking for. Ask them a little bit about their past. Ask them about their lifestyle, their ideas and beliefs. It’s good to suss out disagreements or expectations in the beginning.
MAKE SURE SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE
Before you head out to meet your new person, check in with a close friend and let them know what you’re doing, where you’re going, and what time you expect to be back. You can even have them text or call you during your date and have a code word for whether or not it’s going well.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
Pay Attention to body language, tone of voice and subtle implications that make you feel like something might be off. Is your heart thumping, fast short breaths, mind racing? Maybe you’re feeling excited, passionate and turned on, or maybe you’re feeling anxiety, fight or flight, panic symptoms. Listen to your body. Someone else's feelings don’t come before your own, just in case you needed a reminder.
Now finally, without further adieu, here are our top picks for local, fun, safe dates in VT:
Best case scenario, meet outside, and don’t wander off too far away from other people and your mode of transportation. Take a walk and talk. Social distance. Keep it quick and casual. Take a hike, pick up lunch and meet at a park, check out an exhibition or performance, dine in at a favorite local venue.
Here’s some of our favorites:
Hiking - Mt. Philo, Mill Trail, Niquette Bay State Park
Parks - Red Rock Park, Oakledge, Waterfront, Sand Bar State Park
Art - Burlington City Arts, The S.P.A.C.E Gallery, Waking Windows
Music - Higher Ground, Nectars, Jazz Fest
Lunch - Waterworks, Sneakers, Splash, Foam, Skinny Pancake, The Daily Planet, Stone Soup
Coffee & Tea - Nomad, Dobra, Scout & Company, Radio Bean, New Moon
So many awesome places in VT where you can meet people safely! Remember to look for the signs, avoid private residences, and keep in touch with someone you trust. Don’t rush. Don’t ignore red flags and stay alert! Remember that if you or a friend ever need some support, to talk through possible red flags, identify other ways to keep yourself safe or resources for getting out of a bad situation, we’re always here to help. You can call our hotline at (802) 658-1996
Resources:
https://www.burlingtonvt.gov/visitors
https://www.vtstateparks.com/index.html#parkFinderSec
https://www.vermontartscouncil.org/explore-vermont-arts/arts-calendar
https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/blogs/data-spotlight/2021/02/romance-scams-take-record-dollars-2020
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